A Year Ago Today….

A year ago today,

I peed on a stick.  Well, actually, three of them.

I couldn’t even finish putting my pants back on before the

two little pink lines showed up.  I remember being in a shocking disbelief.

I had it in my head that because I wanted children so much, that there was going to be something

that would prevent me from having them.  Once the shock wore off, I began to run around the house

smiling and literally laughing.  I stopped a time or two to hug myself, trying to awkwardly cradle

my stomach, not yet quite round.  I think tears of joy creeped out at one point.

Torry was a work

when all of this went down, but he knew that I was

taking the test.  He wanted me to tell him while he was at work.  I wanted to wait

until he came home to tell him in person. Once I collected myself, I text Torry, telling him to

call me asap.  Several [long] minutes go by and I couldn’t take it and called him.  Shockingly,

he answered and I told him I was pregnant.  He was like “Ok”.   I think

he was sort of shocked that it was real (We had only been trying for about a month) You see,

Torry never put thought into having kids before he met me.  Not that he never wanted them,

it just wasn’t his priority in life and in his last relationship before me, it was kind of a mutual agreement

that they weren’t going to have any.  Torry loved to tell people who were surprised to find out he

was going to be a daddy, that “When you’re with the right person, your life views change”.  I

loved it whenever he used that to explain away their shock.

When Torry came home that night,

he walked up to me in the kitchen and we just hugged.  Then, after

several minutes of talking, he pulls out this piece of scrap paper. Confused, I took it

into my own hands, looked it over before unfolding it wondering what it was.  When I opened it

I found a list of ten boy name options.  I thought that was THE CUTEST thing ever (even if I did’t agree with most of the

names on there).  He got excited enough to jot down names.  What guy thinks of doing that first?

Since finding out less than a week

before mother’s day, we decided to wait until then to tell everyone.

It was a perfect setting.  Telling my mother was my favorite out of everyone.  She played RIGHT

in to my hands of what I had planned out.  Since now that her grandchild count has exceeded

her own child count, I decided to call her up, and say “Happy Grandmother’s Day!!”  Just like I thought,

she responded with “Grandmother’s day? Why Grandmother’s day?”  I said, “Because, you’re more

grandma now with seven grandkids (Brecken was #7) then you are of a mother of four kids”  She didn’t

catch on right away and said “OOOH.  I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant or something.”

Torry and I were dead silent (she was on speaker phone)  Then she goes, “Wait, you’re pregnant?!?!”  It was

more of a statement than a question and when we confirmed that I was indeed pregnant she just screamed

in excitement.  I smile at that memory, of that time in our lives. I was getting everything I ever wanted:

a man who loved me more than life itself, and I was carrying his child.  I couldn’t have asked for more.

Thinking about this upcoming mother’s day,

I wonder what is there to do for a mother who lost her child?  I looked

up websites out of curiosity on what they think is best for a bereaved mother.

I wasn’t TOO fond of most of the ideas they had listed.  I thought some were too

corny.  But there is one thing they hit on the nose: Acknowledgement.  A bereaved mother wants

nothing more (other than her child) than to be acknowledged that she is a mother.  I can’t tell you enough

how much joy it brings me to be able to talk about Brecken.  I just light up whenever someone asks a question

about him or his life.  I speak for other bereaved mothers when I say that we feel like our little one

will be forgotten over time because they’re not physically present.  I don’t want to be in a room

full of people and be ignored, or the subject of Brecken to be ignored in fear of upsetting me.

It won’t upset me.  I was in a group of ladies a few months back-ish, and I know nearly, if not,

all of them knew about what happened to Brecken.  This was my first time being in a group of ladies

since his death.  Only one other lady there was a mom.  I felt like I had nothing to talk

about with any of them.  When the opportunity arrived that I could relate it back to

Brecken, I’d say it.  But, I felt like the conversations never took off from there.

It felt like they took it in for a brief moment, and then continued on the conversation

as if I never brought up my son.  I was kind of hurt by that.  I no longer felt like I

belonged hanging out with these ladies.  I felt like I had nothing in common.  I

socially shut down and couldn’t wait for the opportunity to just get out of there.

A year ago today, I was about 3.5 weeks pregnant.

Today, my son is no longer with me and I’m no longer pregnant.

It’s a terrible, lonely feeling.  I miss my peanut

more than words can ever express.

First official photo of me pregnant, even though we didn’t know it at the time.


Pee stick picture


Photo of me with my pee sticks


List of names Torry brought home the night I told him I was pregnant

(It’s ok to show them since NONE of these names made the cut list & won’t be used for future names)

Torry kept pushing for Talon.  I despised that name! lol  Ryker made it to the next round, but didn’t make the top 5.



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