Not long after Brecken’s death,
I received a grief package in the mail from the
Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin. It included reading materials,
grief groups to join, counseling etc. It also included an invite to join
a Facebook private group where you have to ask to join. I decided to join.
I needed to talk to other mommies who have also lost a child. It’s not really the ideal
way to get to know someone: “Hi, I’m Sarah, my son passed away in January, what’s your name?”
That’s really not how it goes in that group. It’s essentially an open diary for anyone and everyone who is
a part of that group. You can scream and vent. You can cry. You can share memories. You can ask questions.
You can connect. You can post pictures. Through this group, I have met a few mommies in person.
It helped to meet other women who share in the same kind of pain, albeit our stories being different.
One day, not too long ago,
a mother shared a photo of her dead little girl.
She came into this life far too early at 18 weeks and was born still.
In honesty, seeing that photo slightly disturbed me. It was quite morbid. But
that photo (and maybe assuming others?) are the only photos that mother will have of her
precious little girl. It pained me to think of that. Then it really got me thinking about my Brecken.
I couldn’t help but feel blessed that I was able to meet my little boy alive. I got to touch his soft, pink skin, run
my fingers through is hair, kiss his full lips and feel his warmth against my skin. I have several hundred photos
of him living. He got to come home, and use some of his things, wear some of his clothes (all elephant related
I might add) and meet friends and family. He experienced 3 weeks of love.
For me, that was far too less.
Three weeks was just not enough time. But I am thankful.
I am so thankful I got to meet him, as brief as our time together was. I almost didn’t get to
meet him alive. He was born not breathing. It took the team of Dr’s over 10 minutes to get him to finally
breathe. One of them almost called his death right there, in the delivery room. I’ll never forget the fear
instilled in me when she almost did.
Sometimes I don’t know what would have been worse,
meeting him for only a short amount of time, or not meeting him alive at all.
That’s always such a pull at my heart. Sometimes I think that maybe if they did call it
in the delivery room, that it might have been slightly easier to deal with. Torry and I wouldn’t have
had the weight of the decision on our shoulders regarding his life. That has been one of the hardest
things to deal with-us deciding whether he should live or die. As said in a previous post, we
felt selfish with either decision. But we know, deep down, that what was best for him was to
let him go. He wouldn’t have ever understood his life or the people in it. He would have had to go
through surgeries, pain and discomfort from CP, being sick often etc and never understand why.
He wouldn’t know how to to do anything, learn to speak, or walk. That’s devastating to learn
as a parent.
It’s always so hard to remain
positive or to think of how lucky I was to have
those three weeks with Brecken. When I get really down about it,
I try to remember that mother and other mommies who didn’t get the chance
to meet their little one’s alive. If I already didn’t appreciate my time with him,
I do so even more when I think of those mothers. I miss my little peanut
more and more as each day passes. There’s nothing worse than having empty arms.
Enjoy some of my favorite moments
in pictures with my sweet boy.
Getting to hold him for the first time 5 days after his birth.
Torry getting to hold Brecken for the first time 5 days after his birth.
Brecken off the cooling blanket and the EEG is finally off his head.
Precious moments with daddy & Breckn off the oxygen machine!
Nurse Alayna coming on her day off to say goodbye to Brecken shortly before we drove home.
First moments home
First moment’s home
First moments home
Snuggles on the couch
Holding grandma Mitchell’s finger
Favorite family photo