I shared this quote on
Facebook back in February. I recently came across it again and it just it’s me hard.
I’ve been struggling so much with my emotions. Everyday I’m replaying specific events
that had taken place from the moment my water first broke until even after Brecken’s death.
I am so heart broken. I wish there was a different way of trying to explain that to those of you
who don’t know what this feels like. My heart aches every single day. I constantly have this terrible
sinking feeling in my stomach and my entire body mourns the loss of my son. This grieving process is
so physical. I hurt….everywhere.
I haven’t written a post about Brecken’s time at home yet.
I’ve been debating it because as wonderful as it was to have him in the comfort
of his own home, the last 8 hours or so of his life were just terrible.
I am completely haunted from that last day with him. I’ve been struggling with the
way he died and how it was a process that went against everything my instincts wanted
as a mother. I’ve been hanging on to this for these last nearly 3 months. I feel this heavy guilt
and sadness about that day. I feel that if I never had broken down and begged Torry
to bring me to the hospital for an epidural instead of birthing him naturally at my midwives birth
center, then none of this would have ever happened to him.
Everyone keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong.
I am not responsible for what happened to him. I could never have known that this would have happened etc.
But, no one can convince me of this. I truly believe with all of my heart that I failed my son. I failed
him because I was weak. I only thought about myself when I begged to go to the hospital.
Going to the hospital resulted in his injury. I cannot forgive myself of that decision and I’ve
regretted it even from the moment the epidural was administered.
I know I saved my son a life of pain and suffering,
but I cannot get over that I am responsible for the decision
to end his life. I, in no way, feel that I am a super mom. I hardly feel like
a mother as it is let alone feel like I’m a super mom in my son’s eyes. What kind
of mother was I to give up on the best, most natural way for him to enter into this world?
I’ve been asked by several
people now if I plan to celebrate mother’s day.
To be honest, I’m not quite sure. I was pregnant with Brecken last
mother’s day, and this mother’s day he’s still not in my arms. I hardly feel like a mother,
let alone, a mother who deserves any sort of celebrating. It kind of feels like pretending to be
somebody I’m not. How can I be a mother when I don’t have a child to raise or take care of?
I’m not sure if we’ll celebrate it or not. I guess I might as well just stay numb to such
holidays. Maybe it won’t be as painful if I continue on with it not feeling like I’m a mother, like
it has been my entire life.