I came across an article a few days ago
about a woman who’s little sister died. She talked
about how the use of the popular social media site, Facebook, has
actually helped her grieving process. I can relate to that on so many levels.
Being practically alone in this uneventful state, I haven’t had too many options to
kind of put myself out there or to surround myself with all sorts of friends and family. Talking
on the phone is one thing, but in person interaction is another. I think, if it wasn’t for Courtney,
I’d go completely insane here. But I needed more than just Courtney. I needed so many more people
since I didn’t quite know what I’d need/want from who I’d need/want it from.
This kind of grief is an unpredictable one.
One day I’m happy, smiling, feeling nearly normal. Then the next day I’m plagued by
nightmares, awful realizations and many, many tears. One day I just don’t want to talk to anyone,
even my own mother and closest friends. Other days I wish my phone was blowing up. Thank goodness
they have understood my need for days of solitude. I don’t think I could handle people taking offense
to my disinterest in them at this moment in my life.
Now, lets talk Facebook.
In the recent days/weeks of Brecken’s death I didn’t do much except listening
and watching. I withheld from making any comments, or lol’ing on someone’s funny post. I remained
on the outside while still hanging out on the inside. Logging on to Facebook helped me feel like
I was still a part of the real world since my own personal world was put at a complete standstill.
I began to interact. At first I thought
it would be inappropriate of me to start cracking jokes again, or showing the world
I was having a good time. I dealt (still am) with feeling guilt for everything I did for myself
that would make me feel good. I felt (and still do to an extent) that I’m not allowed to be happy.
I’m not allowed to enjoy life without my little boy. Any joy I have it should be because of Brecken.
It should be from my interactions with him, watching him grow, smile, laugh…
Facebook has allowed me
to reach out to any resource I would need. It’s kept me connected
to many people in my life and it’s helped me to find strangers who share in
the same kind of pain that I am in. I’ve made new friends, and have
re-connected with old. Strange as it may be, I’ve found
the most comfort in those who I didn’t know, or didn’t know well enough.
The only reason I can think of why that is, is because these people weren’t as closely related
to my pregnancy. Sure they ‘liked’ my progress photos or pregnancy related status updates,
or some not even really much at all. But they were on the outside of it all. Maybe it’s that outside
perspective that I needed.
I had always said prior to being
pregnant and even a few times during my pregnancy that
I wouldn’t know what I would do if I ever lost a child. Ironic that I ever
even had such discussions, because here I am, dealing with the loss of a child.
I felt that I wouldn’t even be able to live myself. Not that suicide was what I was thinking,
but I felt I would shut completely down from everyone. I pictured myself knees up and hurdled in a
corner staring off into nothingness. Physically, I may not be doing that, but in my head, I sometimes
am. I can tell you this with absolute certainty that I think that’s where I would be today if it
wasn’t for Facebook to keep me partially sane. I have hundreds of people at my disposal
whenever I may need them. Even for the littlest of things. There is great comfort in knowing that.
Here’s the link to the article: