Dear Baby Names,

When I found out I

was pregnant with Brecken, I began to write a journal to him

about my experiences with him.  I hate that I got lazy towards the end and never finished it.  The

last entry I was writing to him isn’t even complete.  At that point, I had fallen behind and was going to write

a longer entry about everything that had happened  to catch myself up.  The last entry I was writing was catching up

about when I was in the hospital for my kidney stones.  So basically, from October onwards, I never finished.  I

still cannot decided if I want to finish it, or leave it as is.

Here’s my very first entry to him.  This is the first time going back and reading these since before he was

even born.


Baby Names,


I just found out yesterday evening that I am pregnant with you. The very first thing I want to tell you and to make it loud and clear: you were wanted.  You are very much wanted.  I’ve wanted you for the longest time. You are already loved so incredibly much by both your father and I.  I cannot express the excitement I have for the day I get to meet you and look into your little eyes and kiss those tiny toes.

         Your father Torry, and I are not married yet, but we plan to be soon. We just couldn’t wait any longer to try and have you finally join our family!  We have been together for just over 7 months-not very long, but we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are both so incredibly happy and we love each other very much.  We both could not have found anyone more perfect.  You have amazing parents I can guarantee it. 

         Currently, I am 26, your father is 31.  We are living in a town-house in Appleton, Wi that has 2 bedrooms & 1.5 bathrooms.  It’s beautiful and we are happy living where we are. We have a dog.  His name is Tucker.  He’s a Jack-Russell & he’ll be 5 this summer.  He is a happy, lovey ‘lil guy and I’m sure he will lick your face until you can no longer bare it-or return the favor-lol. Right now, I’m working full-time at Flex-Staff.  I’m an Associate Staffing Specialist & I work 1st shift. Your father is working full-time at Straight Shot Express.  He’s a 2nd shift dispatcher.  Since we both work opposite shifts, we don’t see much of each other until your father comes home at 10pm.

         Now back to you.  I had no idea I was pregnant with you until I had missed my period.  No nausea, or excessive tiredness or anything.  So far I cannot complain.  I have no cravings that stand out.  I also don’t even feel pregnant!  A small part of me kind of wants to feel some sort of nausea so that it feels real because I’m still in shock.  I honestly thought getting pregnant was going to take longer and be harder to do due to my medical issues. (I have a hormone imbalance).  Your father and I have only started actively trying for not even a full 1.5 months.  You must have been a good ‘lil swimmer!.

         After I had called your father to tell him I was pregnant with you, we began texting back and forth the rest of his shift.  He was already excited to tell some people as was I.  We’re saving to announce you to our family until this Sunday.  It’s mother’s day. This is officially my first mother’s day and I’m so excited!  We really wanted to tell your Grandma Names the day we found out because it was her birthday.  So you will be a belated birthday gift and an early mother’s day gift.  She’s going to be so excited to know you will be joining our family.  I cannot wait to see the expression on her face!

         Again, I cannot express enough how elated I am that I’m pregnant with you.  You are the one thing I’ve wanted more than anything in this world.  I found the love of my life, and now I have you.  I’m looking forward to the next 8 months.  As much as I want them to fly so I can meet you, I also want to enjoy this experience.

Love, Mommy.

On a side note,

today is my 27th birthday.  I hate how

it came so soon after his passing.  And now it will forever be

clouded by the reminder of his death every year from now on.  I hate

that he’s not here to celebrate with me.

I miss him so much.


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