Last night, while searching for some new music on itunes, I
stumbled across a new song by Plumb “I want you here”. Out of curiosity, I played the 1:30 length teaser. I just had
this ‘feeling’ that I knew already what it was about. And I was right. I was
blown away at the lyrics and her powerful voice behind them. I felt it was exactly what I’ve been feeling inside in
regards to Brecken.
” I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you’re gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery”
“I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn’t fair
This kind of torture
I just can’t bear
I want you here
I want you here”
Everyday I want to scream. Everyday I ask “Why”. Everyday I feel I’m tortured. Everyday I feel misery.
It’s a never ending cycle of emotions that run their course through my heart every single day. I instantly downloaded
the song and had it on repeat with my headphones on for the remainder of the night.
Before and while I was pregnant,
I remember saying that I don’t know what I would do if I
ever lost a child. I couldn’t even imagine that kind of pain then. I felt, because
I wanted kids so bad for so long, that I would no longer have a life if that was something to ever happen
to me. I felt like I’d be the type to close myself off from the world. Never speaking. Never moving. No longer ‘living’.
My heart, for as long as I can remember, has had this need to be a mother. If I cannot be a mother, then what can I
be? What would be the purpose of my life if I didn’t have or lost children? I’m honestly surprised at how I have
been handling myself before and after Brecken’s death. I haven’t crawled into that hole
and I didn’t shut myself off from the world…completely.
I feel like I’m kind of rambling right now, but my point to this post was to share a few things. First,
this song. It’s significant to me, because a few days before Brecken died, I recorded myself singing
to him “In my arms” by the same artist, Plumb. When I first heard that song back in 2008, I remember thinking
how I would want to sing that song to my kids when I had them. I remembered that thought from five years ago, and
it recorded so I could have that memory with Brecken. That’s the other part to this post: sharing
what I recorded with Brecken.
Most of you who know me
know that I’m not one who belts out tunes. If I do, I’m normally not ‘trying’ to
be good at singing a song. I’m shy when it comes to that. Sometimes I think I can sing, and other times
I think I’m a complete lunatic to have even have thought that.
You don’t really hear my voice so much as it’s masked by the volume from
my computer. I’m kind of nervous in making it public, as I’m not a public person when it comes to singing
in general. But I thought I’d share this private moment I had with my son. It’s one of the few recorded moments we
have of Brecken. The lyrics mainly apply to
a living child already growing up. Obviously these are things Brecken never did and will never get to
do. But all the same, I still thought it fitting to sing to him. I guess you could say I was singing my
hopes for him, even though I knew he’d never live them out.
I shared “I want you here” with Torry who in turn
shared it on his Facebook page. He also checked out Plumb’s fanpage and
discovered that this song has been specifically written to those of us who have lost. Her
exact words: “Here it is…written for all who have lost…the new single from iTunes off my new record Need You Now,
out next Tuesday 2/26.” I believe things happen for a reason, as cliche’ as that sounds. I felt
I was on itunes at the right moment to discover this song. The single was just released this past Tuesday.
Here’s the link to “I want you here” by Plumb
Here’s my recording with my sweet Brecken<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/60230697″>Singing to Brecken</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/user5421507″>Sarah Hughes</a> on <a href=”http://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a>.</p>