Ramblings of my imagination

“Who would you be?  What would you look like?”

-Lyrics from the song “Gone too soon” by Daughtry.  A song I listen

to every single day.  Most often multiple times a day.  Every single lyric in this

song fits how I feel on a daily basis.  Every day I ask the above questions.  No matter where I am,

I’ll sometimes close my eyes or just stare off into space and imagine what he’d look like.

I imagine what his laugh would sound like.  I imagine what it would be like

for him to look me right in the eyes and call me “Mamma”

My heart hurts so much

knowing I’ll never be able to experience any of that with Brecken.

Mother’s say they never knew they could love someone at the level and intensity that they

do with their children.  I never knew I could love and hurt at the same time at that intense level.  Everything

surrounding his life is tainted with sadness.  I can’t feel happy over a moment without being reminded

of his situation.  Like bringing him home, for an example.  I was

thrilled to be able to take my baby home, where he belonged in the first place. It’s a moment

every parent looks forward to: leaving the hospital and on to begin your life as a family.

There was so much joy and excitement in bringing Brecken home.  But at the same time,

we knew bringing him home didn’t mean happy endings.  We were bringing our baby boy home

to live out the rest of his short days.  And short they were.

9.5 days.

Thinking about that realization makes my chest

build up with overwhelmingly amounts of complete sadness.  All I ever wanted was to be a mother, so why was my baby

ripped away from me?  Why is my baby no longer in my arms?  What did I do to deserve

this prison of pain I’ll be in for the rest of my life?

My heart misses him so much.

Every ounce of my being wants to reject the life I live now.

(Not suicide….just to make that clear)

My life isn’t supposed to be consumed with going about my days without a child.

I’m not supposed to freely head to the store.  Torry and I aren’t  supposed to freely

run errands together.  We aren’t supposed to be able to sleep in until noon.

I feel as if my mind hasn’t fully caught up.  It hasn’t fully

caught that there is no baby to take care of.  It still expects to be woken up in the middle of the night.

It still expects that I’ll be changing a million diapers a day.  It still expects tummy time and cuddles and laughter and

drool.

I see his face on every infant, toddler and child I see.  I get this sinking feeling

when I do.  I feel I’ll always search in the faces of others for my  son.  But I’ll never find him.

Gone Too Soon

by: Daughtry

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