I have had
the strongest urge to have children since I was a child. So naturally, I was
more than excited to find out I was pregnant with Brecken. I’ll never forget it. After I peed on the stick
I was telling myself “Don’t get your hopes up, it’ll end up saying negative” I looked down and saw the
two pink lines. I jumped up and down and kept saying “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” and
was smiling and even partially crying. Oh, and lets not forget the laughter. I went from being elated, to suddenly
laughing. I just couldn’t believe that I was finally pregnant so it seemed hilarious to me.
Being pregnant and having children
was all I ever wanted out of life, and I finally was going to have it. Finally the
world deemed me worthy enough to become a mother.
While Brecken was in the NICU at the Children’s Hospital, Torry and I
laid in bed holding each other, just talking. He asked me what I thought about
“all of this”. I wasn’t quite sure what he meant so I said, “About giving birth and what had happened
to Brecken?” He replied, “Yeah”. So I told him that, though what we were going through with Brecken was
not the top of my favorites list, it hasn’t scared me from wanting more children. He sighed in relief
and said “That’s good to hear, because I want another one!” It melted my heart to hear him talk
about wanting more children. Naturally, I want to give him children. It’s like this urge. Almost
old fashioned in a sense where the woman is supposed to produce heirs for her husband. What makes his statement
even more significant is that he never had plans to have children prior to meeting me. Not that he disliked them,
but just never put thought into wanting them. I remember we were skyping with his cousin who lives in
Saudia Arabia to tell her the good news. She was shocked because she didn’t ever expect Torry to have
children. His response: “Well, when you’ve found the right person, things change”.
God I love this man!
When we knew Brecken wasn’t going to live, we were already having
discussions, more like, definite statements about wanting to try for another as soon as
I’m all healed up. It was a very tough pull on our hearts and minds because Brecken was still with us. How
could we already be talking about trying for another right away? Yet, at the same time, we just can’t imagine
our life without children. We also had a lot of guilt with these thoughts because we don’t want it
to seem like we’re replacing Brecken. I feel like no matter how late or soon we try again, that guilt will always be
there. We’ll feel like no matter what it will be a replacement of sorts and that’s not what it’s all about.
One of my other concerns
is not enjoying my next pregnancy to the fullest. I’m afraid of feeling sad and
guilty. I feel like I’ll constantly be thinking about and comparing my pregnancy with Brecken to the new one.
I’m fearful of getting attached. I’m afraid to enjoy the kicks and the hiccups. I’m afraid to hear
the heartbeat. All of these things makes the mother/infant bond even stronger. Mine was incredibly strong with
Brecken. And now Brecken is gone. That’s the worst pain I’ve been dealing with. He was normal, and healthy
and could suck his thumb. He kicked and had a great heartbeat every time we got to hear it. It’s been the hardest
to comprehend that he once was a normal baby and then his life was forever changed. I just can’t
get over it.
Even though I told Torry back at the Ronald McDonald house
that I’m not afraid to have another baby, I actually really am. I’m afraid of this
happening all over again. Quite frankly, I don’t even know how I’m going to give birth. I feel like
I can’t do the natural thing, so I’ll need an epidural, but then I don’t want to labor at all. I don’t want to
push. I don’t want the same possibilities and variables to happen again. I’m also anti C-section. Yet, when
looking at the big picture, for my sanity, I might feel much better scheduling one. Or who knows,
maybe as time goes on and the nightmare eases away, I may feel confident again to birth
Either way, I’ll figure it out, because having more children
is definitely going to happen. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I need a baby in