Another Baby

I have had

the strongest urge to have children since I was a child. So naturally, I was

more than excited to find out I was pregnant with Brecken.  I’ll never forget it.  After I peed on the stick

I was telling myself “Don’t get your hopes up, it’ll end up saying negative”  I looked down and saw the

two pink lines.  I jumped up and down and kept saying “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” and

was smiling and even partially crying. Oh, and lets not forget the laughter.  I went from being elated, to suddenly

laughing.  I just couldn’t believe that I was finally pregnant so it seemed hilarious to me.

Being pregnant and having children

was all I ever wanted out of life, and I finally was going to have it.  Finally the

world deemed me worthy enough to become a mother.

While Brecken was in the NICU at the Children’s Hospital, Torry and I

laid in bed holding each other, just talking.  He asked me what I thought about

“all of this”.  I wasn’t quite sure what he meant so I said, “About giving birth and what had happened

to Brecken?”  He replied,  “Yeah”.  So I told him that, though what we were going through with Brecken was

not the top of my favorites list, it hasn’t scared me from wanting more children.  He sighed in relief

and said “That’s good to hear, because I want another one!”  It melted my heart to hear him talk

about wanting more children.  Naturally, I want to give him children.  It’s like this urge.  Almost

old fashioned in a sense where the woman is supposed to produce heirs for her husband.  What makes his statement

even more significant is that he never had plans to have children prior to meeting me.  Not that he disliked them,

but just never put thought into wanting them.  I remember we were skyping with his cousin who lives in

Saudia Arabia to tell her the good news.  She was shocked because she didn’t ever expect Torry to have

children.  His response: “Well, when you’ve found the right person, things change”.

God I love this man!

When we knew Brecken wasn’t going to live, we were already having

discussions, more like, definite statements about wanting to try for another as soon as

I’m all healed up.  It was a very tough pull on our hearts and minds because Brecken was still with us.  How

could we already be talking about trying for another right away?  Yet, at the same time, we just can’t imagine

our life without children.  We also had a lot of guilt with these thoughts because we don’t want it

to seem like we’re replacing Brecken.  I feel like no matter how late or soon we try again, that guilt will always be

there.  We’ll feel like no matter what it will be a replacement of sorts and that’s not what it’s all about.

One of my other concerns

is not enjoying my next pregnancy to the fullest.  I’m afraid of feeling sad and

guilty.  I feel like I’ll constantly be thinking about and comparing my pregnancy with Brecken to the new one.

I’m fearful of getting attached.  I’m afraid to enjoy the kicks and the hiccups.  I’m afraid to hear

the heartbeat.  All of these things makes the mother/infant bond even stronger.  Mine was incredibly strong with

Brecken.  And now Brecken is gone.  That’s the worst pain I’ve been dealing with. He was normal, and healthy

and could suck his thumb. He kicked and had a great heartbeat every time we got to hear it.  It’s been the hardest

to comprehend that he once was a normal baby and then his life was forever changed.  I just can’t

get over it.

Even though I told Torry back at the Ronald McDonald house

that I’m not afraid to have another baby, I actually really am.  I’m afraid of this

happening all over again.  Quite frankly, I don’t even know how I’m going to give birth.  I feel like

I can’t do the natural thing, so I’ll need an epidural, but then I don’t want to labor at all.  I don’t want to

push.   I don’t want the same possibilities and variables  to happen again.  I’m also anti C-section.  Yet, when

looking at the big picture, for my sanity, I might feel much better scheduling one.  Or who knows,

maybe as time goes on and the nightmare eases away, I may feel confident again to birth

vaginally.

Either way, I’ll figure it out, because having more children

is definitely going to happen.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.  I need a baby in

my arms.

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One thought on “Another Baby

  1. I think this is the post I’ve related with the most… because ever since 1/8/2013, I have tried to put myself in your shoes. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that I would be having this EXACT same thought. Similarly, people who ask me about your story always ask me, “Is this her first?” And when I say “Yes,” they’re even sadder for you. It’s not that Brecken’s passing would be any less tragic if you had another child, it’s just a means to coping; having something to tear your attention away from the sadness. Books and movies and baths can do that… interacting with a child is just way more effective.

    I would be wanting to get pregnant right away also. But the thing you have to remember is where to place your fear… your fear should not be from your pregnancy; you know all too well that you were awesome at being pregnant and carrying your child. Brecken was at his best when it was just you and him. You should welcome and cherish pregnancy just the same as you did with Brecken, if not even more so.

    The fear will most certainly be present in labor though, you’re right about that. For that, I have no words aside from: do NOT go back to that hospital. I’m sure another hospital could be fine, but not THAT one. Not that the same thing would happen again, but your brain would be reminded by all of the sights and sounds and smells that this hospital is where terrible things happened. You need to find a place that reminds you nothing of that. And study all of the birthing methods you can starting now to find alternative ways of coping with the pain… that way you won’t have to worry about hospital interventions and augmentations. I’ve heard people really liking hypnobabies, but I don’t know much about it. The Bradley Method is what did it for me. And I think just talking to people who have been in situations like your own or reading their personal stories and how they had a successful, normal, wonderful pregnancy and delivery following a tragedy would be what I would want to seek out.

    Having another child does not erase Brecken or make him any less important… it is a reflection of the amazing mommy that Brecken knew he had and deserved and he would most certainly want to share his awesome parents with a sibling, that’s for sure. If I were Brecken, I know that I’d want someone to reap the benefits of my awesome parents, even if I couldn’t. 🙂

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