Waves

It comes in waves.  These emotions,

they’re driving me crazy.  I’ll go a whole day, numb to an extent, and feeling

semi-normal and then out of no-where  I’m hit….hard.  It hits so hard that it goes straight

to the pit of my stomach.  I feel scared because that’s when the flood of emotions comes rolling in.

I start to imagine my baby.  I’ll start off remembering him here at home, snuggled in his blankets.  I’ll remember

holding him, and kissing every inch of him.  I’ll remember just staring at him trying to permanently etch

his features into my brain and into my heart.

But then the tragedy that surrounded his life starts to take over.  I remember the fear and chaos right

after he was born.  The image of his lifeless blue body being handed over to the team of Dr’s comes back.  My sadness

comes back.  Depression sinks in as I think about being at the Children’s hospital and having so much hope

that Brecken will get better and the Dr’s will fix him and we’ll be able to take him home.  Then

I’ll remember his last hours at home and when he slipped away in my arms.

The realization that he is no longer alive stats to give me a panic attack.

Everything I do, I end up saying to myself “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  You’re supposed

to be taking care of a now one month old”  As I sit and write this I tell myself the same thing.  I shouldn’t

have so much time to write or to think.  If I’m not taking care of baby I should be doing the laundry, or the dishes.

3 weeks was not enough time with my little boy.  It just wasn’t.  As any other parent, I

imagine having forever with him.  I’m not supposed to worry about burying my child, that’s something

he’s supposed to do to me and to Torry when our time comes.

I am so angry over this.  I’m short and snappy.  I’m angry at the fact that

I still have my adult freedoms. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THESE RIGHT NOW!!!

Last night I went to bed without taking my anti-anxiety medicine the Dr prescribed

me while home with Brecken.  He was concerned that I wasn’t sleeping

so he prescribed me one that had a little bit of a sedative in it.  I’ve taken it every night since

Brecken died.  But last night I forgot.  And I paid for it.  Even though I was tired, I could

not sleep.  I was anxious and the waves of emotions kept playing out Brecken’s life in my head

over and over.  I felt trapped in my own self.  I was fidgety and frustrated.  I wanted it to

stop.  I woke Torry up and he asked what was wrong.  I told him how I couldn’t sleep.  I

couldn’t stop thinking about Brecken and how he isn’t here with us anymore.  I just still

couldn’t comprehend that he was gone.  My little boy is gone and that is something out of my

control.  I cannot bring him back. As his parent I’m supposed to be able to do all

that is in my power to make everything OK for him.  This is one thing I cannot do and it kills me.

Torry then asked if I had taken one of my pills and I said “No” and he

urged me to do so.  After a few moments I crawled out of bed and took one.  I laid back down and waited as

my mind winded down.

Sleep.

Finally.

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One thought on “Waves

  1. I don’t know you.. I saw you post your link on the skeptical mother page for loss moms and came here and read every one of your posts. I am so completely heartbroken and sorry for your loss. Brecken is beautiful and my heart goes out to you. Its probably weird… I don’t know you.. but I feel your pain so intensely and I wish I could just give you a hug. You are so fresh in all of this pain and grief and I just don’t know what to say besides I am so very sorry. I have never been through a loss like yours, and cannot say I understand what you are going through.. but I have been through extreme birth trauma, and have PTSD from it, and lost a baby (early miscarriage) and have many friends who have been through all kinds of losses, pregnancy, infant, child… and you are not alone and will find people to help you through this time. I wish I could do something substantial to help. All I can do is send you my love and prayers and let you know that I care so much about you and Brecken and your story and I will be following your journey. God bless you and your family.

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