It comes in waves. These emotions,
they’re driving me crazy. I’ll go a whole day, numb to an extent, and feeling
semi-normal and then out of no-where I’m hit….hard. It hits so hard that it goes straight
to the pit of my stomach. I feel scared because that’s when the flood of emotions comes rolling in.
I start to imagine my baby. I’ll start off remembering him here at home, snuggled in his blankets. I’ll remember
holding him, and kissing every inch of him. I’ll remember just staring at him trying to permanently etch
his features into my brain and into my heart.
But then the tragedy that surrounded his life starts to take over. I remember the fear and chaos right
after he was born. The image of his lifeless blue body being handed over to the team of Dr’s comes back. My sadness
comes back. Depression sinks in as I think about being at the Children’s hospital and having so much hope
that Brecken will get better and the Dr’s will fix him and we’ll be able to take him home. Then
I’ll remember his last hours at home and when he slipped away in my arms.
The realization that he is no longer alive stats to give me a panic attack.
Everything I do, I end up saying to myself “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed
to be taking care of a now one month old” As I sit and write this I tell myself the same thing. I shouldn’t
have so much time to write or to think. If I’m not taking care of baby I should be doing the laundry, or the dishes.
3 weeks was not enough time with my little boy. It just wasn’t. As any other parent, I
imagine having forever with him. I’m not supposed to worry about burying my child, that’s something
he’s supposed to do to me and to Torry when our time comes.
I am so angry over this. I’m short and snappy. I’m angry at the fact that
I still have my adult freedoms. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THESE RIGHT NOW!!!
Last night I went to bed without taking my anti-anxiety medicine the Dr prescribed
me while home with Brecken. He was concerned that I wasn’t sleeping
so he prescribed me one that had a little bit of a sedative in it. I’ve taken it every night since
Brecken died. But last night I forgot. And I paid for it. Even though I was tired, I could
not sleep. I was anxious and the waves of emotions kept playing out Brecken’s life in my head
over and over. I felt trapped in my own self. I was fidgety and frustrated. I wanted it to
stop. I woke Torry up and he asked what was wrong. I told him how I couldn’t sleep. I
couldn’t stop thinking about Brecken and how he isn’t here with us anymore. I just still
couldn’t comprehend that he was gone. My little boy is gone and that is something out of my
control. I cannot bring him back. As his parent I’m supposed to be able to do all
that is in my power to make everything OK for him. This is one thing I cannot do and it kills me.
Torry then asked if I had taken one of my pills and I said “No” and he
urged me to do so. After a few moments I crawled out of bed and took one. I laid back down and waited as
my mind winded down.