One Month

Today

my baby would have been one month old.  One month ago he

came into this world affecting thousands of people’s lives with his story.  I honestly

want to say that it was the most exciting day of my life.  But I can’t choke up the words.  That day

was surrounded by pain, regret, absolute fear, and endless amounts of tears.  His birthday

was almost his death day.

With everything we have gone through in the last month,

I found myself partially wishing he had slipped away that very day.  He wouldn’t have

known pain.  He would have been peaceful right from the start.  I felt, even though losing a child would

be extremely hard, that him leaving us on someone else’s terms or even on his own terms would have

been easier.  We would have had no choice but to accept it.

But that’s thinking selfishly. I feel so selfish in even thinking about an easier way out of this.

Brecken was put through a lot to be revived and kept alive.

 I’m so glad that is not how it ended up being.

I’m thankful that, despite the process Brecken had to be subjected

to in order to be revived and kept alive, that I was able to meet him and hold him

in my arms.  He got to know my touch, my scent, my voice.  I got to enjoy my baby

alive, even if it was for a short 3 weeks.  I got to bring him home, in the outfit I originally planned

to bring him home in.  I got to form a routine with him.  I got to change his diaper.  I got to

give him his first (and only) bath.  I got to co-sleep with him.  I got to rock him, sing to him, talk to him,

snuggle him, stare at him.  We got to have our family pictures done.

Something I wanted done from the very beginning.  Something I knew I would regret if

I would never have professional photos of him and of us as a family.

If he had left us back on his birthday, we wouldn’t have these memories and photos

to cherish. I would have nothing to reflect on. I wouldn’t be

able to tell everyone of Brecken’s amazing story and how much he lived in just 3 weeks

He’s done more in 3 weeks than most do in their lifetime.

I’m so proud of him for that.  I’m a proud mother of such an amazing

little boy and I look up to him for that.

I love him so much and my heart will always miss him.

brecken - 046

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