Back to the beginning

I had a very traumatic birth experience.  It was everything opposite of what I had imagined and planned.

I planned a natural, drug-free, intervention-free, low lights, calming music, water birth at my

midwives birth center.  But that’s not what I got. To this day, I still

regret all of my decisions that led to the event of Brecken’s birth and I am filled with even

more “What if’s?”

Sunday, January 6th, 2013  Torry and I were on our way to Sam’s Club to stock up on supplies

in advance before our son was born.  Several days prior to this, I had developed a terrible cough.

While in the car I had coughed a few times, and each time I felt a gush as if I were peeing my pants.

After the third gush I knew something was not right.  We make it to Sam’s club

and I instantly had to waddle my way to the bathroom.  Sure enough, it looked as if I peed my pants, but I knew

that it was not my lack of bladder control.  I called my midwife to tell her I think my water was breaking.

She had us come in right away to check.  Sure enough, she said I was leaking amniotic fluid and to

expect to be welcoming our baby boy in the next day or 2. Torry and I looked at each other in excitement.  We

couldn’t believe we were going to have our baby finally.  Especially nearly a week early!

My midwife said that if labor didn’t start by 5am on January 7th, 2013 then to

take some castor oil.  It usually helps get things going.  5am rolled around

and no contractions, so I took the castor oil.  Four hours later it kicked in and I started having my first contractions.

They weren’t so bad at first.  I kept telling myself  “I can totally do this.  Natural labor is totally doable”   By 4pm

my water broke all the way.

Once my contractions became more frequent we started recording how long and far apart they were.  When

they reached 4 minutes apart at a minute+ longer we packed ourselves up and made our way back

to the birth center. This was around 6pm.

My midwife, Andi, had the place all set up, the water running in the huge birth tub, candles lit, scented

oil burning. It was everything I imagined it would be.  I was so excited.  Once settled in, Andi

checked to see how dialated I was.  To my disappointment, I was only 1.5cm.  Andi said I’d have to

go back home to labor more and that I was looking at possibly a whole other day of laboring.

Torry and I get home and the contractions were just so unbearable for me.  I had the worst

lower back contraction pain imaginable.  There was no way I could continue in this kind of pain

for a whole other day.  Against my own wishes, I broke down and told Torry to take me to the

hospital so that I could get an epidural.

We arrive at St. Elizabeth’s Hospital at around 9pm or later.  I was put into a sterile, typical, unfriendly

delivery room.  I remember I just kept looking around at how awful the room was in comparison to my

midwives birth center.  I couldn’t stop being down on myself for the decision I had made. I cried.

I cried so much at how I was going against everything I had talked about. Going against everything I wanted.

It wasn’t until 3 hours later when I finally was administered the epidural.  I had to wait until I was at least

3cm dilated and on top of that the anesthesiologist was running late in another surgery. When she came in

to do it, I sat there and cried the whole time.  She probably thought I was crying because I was in pain from the needle

or that I was uncomfortable. She kept reassuring me that I was doing great and everything was going smoothly. That

wasn’t the reason at all. The reason was because I was so disappointed in myself.

So, so disappointed.  I could not let up on myself. I could not stop putting myself down for being weak.  I was a

hypocrite.

Several more hours go by and then there’s talk about administering pitocin because I wasn’t progressing very much.

I refused it.  I did NOT want that in my body. So the Dr. said that we could set a timeline.  If I hadn’t progressed

by 11am on January 8th, then he’d like to finally administer it.  I reluctantly agreed.   11am rolls around

and sure enough I had not progressed. They administered pitocin.  I cried.  Again.  There was another

thing I could scratch off my list of things I didn’t want to have done during my labor and delivery.  I just

kept feeling like a failure one decision after another.  I was living my worst nightmare…or so I thought at the time.

We had no idea our worst nightmare was soon to come.

I finally was making progress while on pitocin.  By 6:20pm on January 8th, I started pushing. For the

first time since entering that hospital I was actually happy and excited.  I was at the finish line of meeting

my baby boy.  He was going to be here soon and the nightmare of the decisions I made would melt away

once he was in my arms.

I pushed for 1.5 hours.

It was around at this time that Brecken’s heart rate dropped to 70-80 bpm.  The OB wanted to use

the vacuum to get him out.  I was reluctant for it’s use because of how often babies get injured

from them.  So she had me try a different position to see if that would make his heart rate go back up.  It didn’t.

She again said she wanted to use the vacuum.  I sadly agreed.  I wanted him out.  She used it once, but it popped

off.  So she gave me an episiotomy (without telling me) and tried the vacuum again.  This time he came out.

And in the events and the blur of what happened next, this is what I remember:

I remember the OB looking down at him and sighing “Oh”.  She clamped his cord and instantly handed him off

to the incubator.  That was the only glimpse I got of my son.  Watching his lifeless, blue body being handed

over to another team of Dr’s.  I remember so many people being in that room.  So many Dr’s surrounded Brecken

that I couldn’t see him or see what was going on.  I instantly cried out “What’s wrong with him?!!”  No one

answered me.  At some point, someone did tell us, either that or we figured it out on our own that

our son wasn’t breathing. They were working to get him to breathe.

Torry and I were crying uncontrollably begging for him to breathe over and over.  My cries were ravaged

with pain and fear.

I remember the nurse midwife who originally was with me when I first started pushing, was

holding my right hand.  I remember squeezing it with all my might.  I remember looking up at her for

answers, for words of hope.  She just locked eyes with me and I saw the tears streaming down her face.

I knew after seeing her like that, that things weren’t good.   Amidst the chaos, I remember one of the

NICU Dr’s who was working on Brecken call out to another Dr for some sort of instrument.  She then said

 “If this doesn’t work, we’re going to have to call it.  It’s been over 10 minutes.”  I had never been so scared in my life.

Why was this happening to me? Why my baby? Everything was so perfect.  Why wasn’t he breathing?

Why could they not get him to breathe?

Why?

Shortly after, they were able to get him to breathe, but not without the help of the ventilator.  Brecken was

instantly whisked away to the NICU.  There, in the delivery room, Torry and I sat and waited for word.

We were told that prior to Brecken coming out, the hospital had already contacted the Children’s Hospital of

Milwaukee and that they were already making their way over to come get him.  A couple hours later

we were told we would be able to see him before he would be taken to Milwaukee.  Before they gathered us,

someone down in the NICU took a couple pictures of Brecken, printed them and sent them up to us

so we could finally see him as we waited to see him in person.

I was cleaned up, stitched up and put into a hospital gown and eased into a wheelchair.

The moment we entered the NICU I could see a whole slew of Dr’s and parts of the crew who would

be taking him by helicopter.  I had to sign a few papers before proceeding to see my son.  Finally, they wheeled

me over to him.  The moment we turned the corner and I saw him I started to cry.  My baby boy was hooked up

to a ventilator, and had so many wires and monitors attached to him.  I was heartbroken for him.  His eyes

were shut, but he was breathing.  His skin color was finally fleshed and pink.  I remember asking permission to touch

him.  We were given free range minus the fact that we couldn’t hold him.  I traced my hand along every inch of

his body I could.  Soaking in my son through touch.  We had several pictures taken of him and of us holding his

hands.  This is also when we finally officially named him: Brecken Theodore Names.

Next thing I remember was feeling extremely nauseous.  It was starting to get so severe I remember asking

someone for a bucket or anything to throw up in.  Someone handed me a small trash can.  By time it was

in my hands I remember the room starting to spin uncontrollably and I got incredibly dizzy.  Next thing I remember,

I was waking up on the postpartum bed.  I had apparently passed out in the NICU.  This was the first time in my life

I had ever done this.

After being settled in the postpartum room, the helicopter team wheeled Brecken into our room so we could see him

one last time before his take off.  It was incredibly hard to watch him leave me.  To see him hooked up

to all sorts of equipment.  I was still in shock that this was really happening to my baby.

I was not authorized to leave the hospital that night due to my fainting.  During our stay in there, we noticed our room

was the room located RIGHT next to the nursery/NICU entrance.  Each time that door was opened while our

door was open we heard a baby crying.  It made me cry every time because I never got to hear my own baby cry.

I finally was discharged from St. Elizabeth’s on January 10th, 2013.

We packed everything up and Torry ran everything down to the car ahead of me.  The nurse was

supposed to be getting  me a wheelchair to go down in.  I was too impatient to wait so I started to

walk out into the hall thinking there was somewhere to sit and wait out there.  There wasn’t.  Another nurse

saw my walking struggles and asked if I wanted a wheelchair and I shook my head “yes”.  I sat in the wheelchair

in the hallway in stone silence.  Then I heard a baby cry from another postpartum room and I started to cry.

Torry finally came up and wheeled me to our car.  I began to cry because I was leaving the hospital without my baby

boy.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  I was supposed to be holding him while being wheeled out

because that’s what new parents do.

  You go to hospital pregnant and you leave hospital happy with baby in tow.  That wasn’t my case and that

wasn’t my norm.

I didn’t know joy, or cried tears of happiness.

I didn’t know the smiles or the laughter.

I didn’t know the coos or the admiration.

I only knew of pain, of tears, of sadness, of silence, of uncertainty.

We drove away from the hospital that morning not knowing what our future would now hold or the

road that laid ahead.  We had no idea what we were in for.

Brecken hospital1

Brecken hospital2

Brecken hospital3

*These were the photos provided to us when Brecken was in the NICU at St. Elizabeth’s*

–Scanner isn’t working so I had to take a picture of the pictures–

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2 thoughts on “Back to the beginning

  1. This is so sad but beautifully written. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope the future will eventually be brighter for you both.

  2. Hi. Your friend Emily and I, went to school together when I was younger. Just saw that she posted your blog on fb and decided to read it. I just want to tell you that I am so sorry for the pain you and your husband are going through right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I just recently had my first baby (last June), a girl. But before, I had her, I had a horrible miscarriage (this was my first pregnancy). It was absolutely horrible. Loosing a child…is unbelievably hard. My next pregnancy (with my daughter Alana)…I was so scared of loosing another child. But, thankfully, she is healthy and this time…things went,”the way they’re supposed to”. I wish I could give you the reason’s why, but I to thought the same things after I lost my first baby. But know that you are not alone. No-one can ever take the place of your sweet baby boy…but don’t loose hope that one day you will have a healthy baby.

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