My First Dream

I had my first,

solid dream about Brecken last night.  It’s the first dream

I can recall details and what happened and how it made me feel.

I thought it was very strange that during this 6 months since he passed,

that I never had nightmares or happy dreams about him.  Torry has.  His was a good dream.

You could say mine was a good dream too.   But my dream has not left me feeling

happy, or content in any way.  I have that gut-wrenching feeling left in the pit of my stomach,

the one you get when you have a nightmare, or dream about your spouse cheating on you

and it felt SO REAL you wanted to throw up first thing when you woke up.

I wish I could be immune

to dreaming about Brecken after last night.  That may

sound horrible and you may be wondering, if it was a good dream then

why WOULDN’T I want to dream about my sweet baby?  Because,

I’d rather not dream about him, happy, cooing, laughing, and thriving.  It’s just too painful

to watch those events unfold in my own mind.  He was never that way when we had him for his short

three weeks.  We were never going to see any of that, even if we chose to keep him alive.

I don’t remember my dream step-by-step, but

what I do remember is Brecken starting off the way he was when we

took him home from Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin.   I remember needing to leave

him in someone else’s care because I had to go somewhere.  When I came back, I didn’t like

how the caretaker took care of him.  She did so many things wrong, and I was so worried and concerned.

She reminded me of a real life nurse who took care of him one day.  Alayna was gone, so this woman

was in her place.  Really nice lady, but she was so rough with how she handled Brecken that it made me

cringe.  Now that I think back to that day, I wish I had said something and asked for a new nurse.

Back in my dream,  I remember holding Brecken

and cooing at him.  Then I watched him as he tried to make some

 sounds, like he wanted to coo back at me.  I was so excited because he had never

 done that before!   And to my amazement, he was able to continue to do it.  I was hearing my

baby’s voice for the first time!  As my dream progressed, so did Brecken’s recovery.  I remember

upping his feedings to give him more nourishment.  I remember thinking about starting to pump again

to be able to continue to provide that for him.  (In the dream, we were waiting for him to die, just like in 

real life.  Just like in real life, I weaned myself from pumping because Brecken wasn’t going to be

using it.  That is, essentially, how he died here at home.  We had to stop feeding him.  When we did, he

lived for an additional 4 days.)

I remember being so excited

in my dream about his progression, against all odds,

that I went running around looking for the baby carriers I had so I could

start wearing him all around.  Eventually in the dream, he came off his oxygen,

we were able to take out the feeding tube, and my dream was filled with the sounds

of my son.  Sounds we never got to hear in real life.  I saw my baby do things in my dream

that we never were able to see or hear him do.  It was almost like the biggest tease.  How

dare my subconscious mind play such a cruel joke on me, making me believe for one night

that my baby boy was alive and well!!!

I’ve been reading

a book about dreams.  And what I gather from

what happened in my dream last night and what I know what some

of those metaphors mean from the book I’m reading, I feel like this dream

is playing off from the events that took place before I went to bed last night.  As most

of you know, Torry and I have been trying for baby #2.  We’ve been trying since May.

It’s been extremely frustrating that we’re now on month three when it only took the first

month with Brecken.  Well, my period is due in 3 more days.  I haven’t had any signs of a period coming

on, but I thought I had some subtle early pregnancy symptoms.  My boobs were getting fuller.

Ever since ovulation week my cheeks have been flushed and rosy.  I was breaking out on my chin

and I never break out.  The last time I broke out on my chin like that, I was pregnant with

Brecken.   Every month, about a week before my period is due, I get this feeling in my lower

front that tells me “Hey, your egg wasn’t fertilized this month, so we’re going to start working

on getting your period going” type of feeling.  I haven’t gotten that feeling as of yet.

Torry has noticed some

of these distinct differences too, and several other, more personal ones.

He keeps saying I’m pregnant after each new discovery of something different going on with my

body.   He was getting me excited inside, but I was trying to suppress that excitement.  I didn’t want

to get all excited only to be disappointed in the end.  Last night, though, Torry suggested buying some

tests after I had a strong scent aversion to something in the car that I hadn’t noticed before.

I bought the box that says you can pee on it up to 5 days before your period.  I was really hoping to wait

it out.  But Torry had me so convinced that I figured “What the hell?”  So, I pissed on a stick last night prior

to hoping in the shower.  I saw the results before stepping in and proceeded with my shower in

tears.  I cried and cried.  I was so disappointed.  So confused.  I got a BFN (for those of you

not in the pregnancy world, that is short for: BIG FAT NEGATIVE)

After I got out of the shower

I had probably one of the biggest break downs I’ve gone through

since Brecken died.  I was feeling the world was telling me that I’m not allowed to be a mom.

That I’m not allowed to have a baby and get to keep it.  I’m not allowed to be pregnant anymore.

My mind was fighting with itself, beating itself up trying to figure out why so many undeserving people

get to keep popping out babies, but I couldn’t even have my one.  What have I done so wrong in my life

to deserve this kind of treatment in return?  I would make the BEST mother to my children!

I am so ready to sacrifice EVERYTHING THAT I AM to ensure my children have wonderful

lives.  Yet, my son sits in his urn across the living room from me, and my uterus continues

to sit with a vacancy sign on it.

Torry told me that it really

could be too early to test yet and that we can test again if my period

doesn’t come on time.  I’m very doubtful.  I’ve already given up on month 3, and I’m not sure

how to approach month 4.  Do I even want to approach month 4?  I honestly, do not know, how much

more of this emotional torture I can continue to put myself through.  Not only do I have to deal with the

death of my son everyday of every month, but now I’m suffering from an additional loss every month that

I’m not pregnant.  If I can’t have any children, then what is my purpose in life?  What would I have to live for?

I’ve known since I was a little girl that I’ve wanted to be a mother.  It’s the ONLY thing I can say for certain what

I want to do with the rest of my life.   I feel so lost, and afraid.  I don’t understand why it’s taking this long.

I know my body, I know when I’m ovulating.  Hell, I’m even tracking it on a phone app as an extra

tool to aid in this process.  It was spot on with my body this last month so I don’t understand why

it’s not producing results.  Is my egg being a bitch?  Or are Torry’s little swimmers just too dumb to

find their way up a damn fallopian tube?

A part of me thinks,

my dream was telling me that something good

is going to happen.  Something is going to thrive and grow in my waking life.

When Torry had his good dream about Brecken, it was almost similar to the

one I had last night.  He dreamt that Brecken was a happy, normal, thriving

child.  In Torry’s waking life, he had just gotten his new job at Black Hawk Transportation.

It was so spot on.  But, we knew Torry got that job right before he had the dream.  In my case,

I don’t know for sure if I’m pregnant this month or not. Like I said earlier, I’m very doubtful.  I don’t think

anything is going to change much in the next 3 days.

One thought on “My First Dream

  1. Oh honey, reading this breaks my heart. I so wish I could reach out and hug you and cry with you right now. Working in an OB office, I have learned the various time frames in which they tell couples should try again after a loss. You have done nothing wrong to deserve such heart break and disappointment. You deserve good things and blessings to come to you and I will pray that some day your heart will be filled with joy again instead of pain and your uterus will be filled as well. ;)

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