Still Dealing

My thoughts are all

so jumbled about what I’m thinking that I really

don’t have a clue as to where to start.  It’s so incredibly lonely

right now being a mother of a deceased infant.  It feels like I am constantly reading

status updates from Facebook friends about getting pregnant or announcing the arrival of

their healthy, beautiful babies.  I think the harder one’s to see/hear are the ones who got pregnant

after me.  After each birth announcement I shake my fist in the air and think “Why me?!  Why

does everyone else around me get to snuggle their baby and breathe in that newborn scent, but

not me?!   Why was my perfectly healthy baby boy ripped away from the comfort of my arms?”

What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

When I see the first Facebook published  pictures

of these sweet little bundles, I have to try so hard to crack even the slightest

smile at the joy those parents are experiencing.   There’s so much of me that just won’t

allow that smile to happen.  Every picture brings me back to the evening I gave birth to Brecken

and the events that followed.  I don’t have those first family pictures moment’s after birth.  I didn’t

get to perform my motherly duties and have my son suckle at my breast.  I didn’t get  to hold my

baby boy right away and watch his eyes discover who I was.  I didn’t even get those god-awful

hospital newborn pictures done.  Brecken’s name isn’t even on the hospital’s website list of babies

born on that day.

These past nearly 5 months of my life

have experienced so many ups and downs.  Mostly downs, emotionally.

I have been accused of killing my son.  I have been accused of committing fraud.

I have had family leave me, and have had to force other family out of our lives.  I have been

told how I’m ‘supposed’ to deal with my grief.  I have been told I needed to be committed.

I have gained nearly all of the baby weight back and have never hated

 my body more than I have these past 5 months.  One moment I am happy and feeling

 semi-normal, and the next moment I’m back in a depression hole- and it seems as if some people

 don’t understand those back and forth emotions.  I hate being forced into functions I’m not ready

to take part of.  I hate how I watch everyone else’s lives continue to move forward while I still

feel stuck in the month of January.  I begin to hyperventilate as I even think about having to roll

on through that month year after year after year.  I love speaking about my son, but I hate

how awkward it makes the people around me hear it.  I hate how awkward it is to bring him up

or have someone ask me if I have kids.  Torry and I were looking at houses one day, and one had

a nursery set up.  We were talking about our need for central AC and somehow mentioned that

I was pregnant last summer.  The woman asked me if I had a boy or a girl, and I said

“He was a boy.”  Don’t know if she caught the ‘Was’ or not, but she didn’t ask any further

questions.  I hated myself for that response.  He WASN’T a boy, he IS a boy!  He’s MY boy

and I love him and miss him more than I think anyone could love or miss anyone else.

Torry and I have

begun the process of trying for another baby in May.

We decided that it doesn’t matter how long we wait after having Brecken,

because we are going to experience the emotions that are going to come along with

the next pregnancy no matter if we waited 4 months or 4 years.  It’s been hard to

do because now I’m thinking SO much about getting pregnant this time then I did last time.

I’m already stressing about it, already worrying about when I ovulate, and already worrying if

this month worked or not.  I’m over-reading my body, looking for any slight symptoms of pregnancy

or my next period.  I don’t know how to relax about it.  My midwives told me to “Have fun with it!”

Easier said, than done.  I don’t think I’ll stop stressing about it until I’m pregnant, and even then

I might not be satisfied until I give birth again and can be reassured that I’m meant to be a mother.

5 thoughts on “Still Dealing

  1. Big hugs, Sarah! I’m so sorry that people have abandoned you and been mean to you. I’m glad you have a good, strong relationship with Torry and you have each other to lean on. Keep doing what you know is best for you both. <3

  2. Oh Sarah…you WERE meant to be a mother- you are a mom and a fantastic one at that. Hope to hear good news soon.

  3. I had my first two super awkward convos since my miscarriage. I had a check up appointment today and struck up a conversation with a couple and their brand new baby boy. I felt bad for the woman when she asked me why I was in the office today. I couldn’t lie though… My second awkward instance today was when a dear, sweet, male colleague of mine tried to make a joke about my growing belly and I had to tell him that it was empty.

    The faces of these people are painful. While I have more or less come to terms with everything, seeing those faces make it fresh all over again because it illuminates their horror and sadness in that moment.

    Despite this baby being a surprise, my mind automatically goes to thinking about how soon we should try again. I haven’t really spoken with my husband. I think he’s more traumatized than he lets on. Only time will tell I suppose.

    • It is awkward to mention I have a son, but in turn, also let it be known that he is no longer alive. It hasn’t gotten easier yet. I’m sure there will be a time when answering all of the common questions is easier, I’ll hesitate less on how to answer and hopefully my ease of speaking don’t let the people on the other end of the conversation feel awkward or embarrassed. Like I say, I love to talk about him, I just also hate how there’s so much sadness surrounding the topic of his life.

  4. I think you should write a book on all this. It would help alot of people and also you. You are so strong you and Tory. I hope you get good news soon concerning another baby. It is sad about family but in the end it will be their loss.

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